I'll never be old while I'm still alive

I’m not quite sure where this is going, but I wanted to write, and now that I’ve started write I’m not sure I want to stop, or, rather, I don’t want to stop writing any time soon. I get that way sometimes and I like it, but it’s kinda sad because I know nobody really wants to sit for hours and read some long, ramble-y thing and yet I still write long, ramble-y things. In essence, I guess that means I don’t actually care about other peoples’ opinions and I do what makes me happy. Or I guess it could just mean that I’m an asshole. Both of them are kind of the same thing anyway.

I was thinking of writing a story sometime soon, y’know, in case I’ve failed my exams and need something to fall back on? But I don’t think I’d make it as an author, I’m not good with making up plots or planning at all, I’m more of a long, ramble-y, do-it-as-you-go kinda guy. Maybe that’s why my milkshakes don’t bring as many boys to the yard as that other woman’s (Her name escapes me, it’s been a long while. I keep thinking ‘Ke$ha’ but Ke$ha isn’t black, nor do her milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard). 

Subtly shying away from the subject of Ke$ha’s cheap, glittery milk$hakes, I was also thinking of drawing a bit of concept art for nothing in particular - It’s art that has a concept, so I guess it’s just art, really. I have a few pieces in mind but I lack the skill required to make those pieces come to fruition, or, even, my mind’s visions are too great and too profound for my hands to do them justice. Dare I set myself a lower bar and produce even more sub-standard, cheap, glittery pieces of $hit that I’m never quite pleased with?

The things that come naturally to me just aren’t what I want or need, nor are they the things that I want for free, those are the things I’d rather work for. What I want for free, what I want to come naturally to me, are the things that make humanity worth keeping around for a while: The arts.

Essentially, I guess I’d be saying the opposite if I had it that way, but, as it stands, that’s how I’d like it to be. I’d like to be able to convey my point, my meaning, my mess of thoughts which seem as if they were a single molecule of benzene in a vat of crude oil when I try to portray them but chocolate in a confectionary store when an artist tried to put across the same idea.

I’ve never been a fan of thinking that I’ve lost when I know I’ve not got the best hand and that’s why I try, I try to craft and draw and write and run and sing and play and speak and understand so that I can make the best of this body and mind and maybe all those hours wasted on getting me to where I am now will pay off some day, but as it is now, nothing is and it really feels like nothing will because I know that where I am now just isn’t good enough and it isn’t where I need to be.

All the things I excel at are like those really good Nicki Minaj songs in that either they don’t exist or they’re so obscure that even Nemo was easier to find.And before you say ‘Nemo was easy to find, it was a short movie’ - Well, no. While Nemo was at the dentists he went to sleep a few times. Ever seen a clownfish go to sleep? No. Know why? Because fish sleep like once every decade and they sleep for a gazillion hours. Marlon was searching for that poor fool for millenia, I tell ya!

But, seriously, it’s not like I’ll ever stop trying (I hope not, anyway), it’s just that the way things are, I don’t want to keep trying. I’m subpar and it’s been this way for so long. I’m improving, I think, but improving all these things holistically is taking so long that it’s hardly worth it to keep half of these things going because there’s not a chance in hell I’ll  get anywhere near where I’d like to be.

I’ve been thinking of hanging up my pencils and paintbrushes and all those other things that I do for a while now, and I think I might do that now. Maybe focus on helping people out over the holidays or something, I just really need to stop producing Carly Rae Jepson-quality crap that nobody’ll really call me for, whether it’s crazy or otherwise.